Whenever vintage shopping-mall music is vomited onto the web, I’m drawn to it like half-off Christmas supplies in April.
Someone who’s either malicious or crazy — I can’t tell which — has digitized his collection of K-Mart music tapes and uploaded online for anyone brave enough to listen. Muzak, easy listening and in-store product ads that ran end to end were put on cassette and then eventually thrown out, but this guy saved them. Thank god, because where would we be without a constant reminder that “Major Dad” used to be on CBS on Sunday nights?
It does bring me back to the late ’80s — when you found that argyle sweater and slacks you required for the first day of school. As soon as you shut the door to the plastic prison known as the dressing room, the Muzak was finally muffled, so you could more easily ponder how you could slowly kill yourself.
I’ve chosen “K-Mart 1989” for my listening pleasure/torture.
I have some questions.
Are Barbra Streisand, Neil Diamond, Johnny Mathis, et al, going to sue for their staticky likeness being plopped on the internet?
The Mad Men-era announcer guy who gladly interrupts between every song — is he dead now? It’s a valid question.
Related question: If he’s not dead, can we search him out and berate him for implying that only Martha Stewart knows how to bake? (I don’t know how to bake but that’s beside the point.)
When K-Mart employees were told to throw out these tapes to make room for hot new music, how did the employee restrain him or herself from smashing the cassette with his price gun?
This guy — named Tape-A-Thon — worked at the retail giant from 1989-1999, so until you or I walk in his loafers, we’ll never be able to taste the mind-numbing horror that he endured over a decade.
We salute you. Also, I kind of want a Presto FryDaddy now.